a child's crisis

Things get lost, things get broken. All’s my fault.
I’m so insensitive. Unlucky. Careless.
If he ever heard of these, he’ll be mad for sure. I could almost hear his angry voices thrown to me. I hate when he’s mad, hate it even more when he’s mad because of me. But I couldn't blame him for being mad. All's my fault.
‘Get a grip, you’re an adult! So childish to be having this kind of unruly, never learn, never try to change. You thought you’ve changed, no. You know what you’re lacking, but you don’t make effort to improvise. Use not your brain, and you won’t succeed in anything’

What a shithole to be tripping in. I just can’t count on myself, can I?

I just wish someone was here to catch me, hear my moaning, my cursing, my make-up stories, and my heart out. I just wish someone was here to look right into my eyes and have the heart to tell me it’s going to be all right, that I have plenty of chances to make things right, all from the start. Someone that will clear the mess I've created, then take my floating feet to the ground, to pull me to the starting line.
I’m a dreamer.
Worse, I’m an adult. I dared to dream a dream, to make-believe that I’ll succeed, with this tenacity.
You silly! you fool! You have that someone. That someone has been trying to lift you up since forever. That someone has been clearing up the mess that you've put through. That someone has been trying to wake you up from your own created, deceptive, too-innocence fantasy.
I broke his heart over and over, oblivious. I made him bled, all for his love. I let myself squirmed with jealousy and greed, to have him doubting me in his aching heart, time to time.

‘Now I need to know is this real love or is it just madness keeping us afloat’

I have a close range of thinking. I think things in a simple way. I filled myself with my own childish way of thinking. I’m shallow.
In the end, I’m all alone, shocked.
I, forgiving me.
I, depending on me.
I, changing me.
But I yearn for you to change me, still. Something about you pleads me to be dependent on you. You've made me want to change to better.
I'm yours, truly.
I need you like a lost dog. Your guidance and your way of life is a fortune to me. You yourself are a blessing for me.

So.
Hey. Stay with me. Forever.